When things go from want to need…

Do you have those moments where you come to a realization and do one of two things?  You either embrace it or push it away.  I’m a firm believer that those moments of clarity, when you know what you must do and what is best for you, become the hardest thing you have to do.

I’ve had those left road, right road moments so often in life and I’ve always believed that pushing through the brush and bum rushing the middle road was never an option.  I believe as humans we are conditioned to take the two choices that lead us to a right or wrong decision and the idea that we can buck the system and just forge ahead on our own paths isn’t an option.

I’ve been inspired lately by friends I’ve been watching from afar.  Despite the hard times we all face, they are taking chances and filling their lives with the things that give them fulfillment and make them happy.  That’s a lesson we all need to learn.  When the realization that we only go around the life track once sinks in deep enough, the panic sets in, especially if you are older.  The what if’s begin to surface.  The should I’s and could I’s set in.  The idea that it’s time to settle for what we have at a certain point in life and be satisfied with it bubbles under the surface.

The most ironic realization for me in this morning’s thought process is that I was a fierce, determined, and not to be messed with beast while raising my children over the course of twenty years.  There was nothing that could stop me, nothing that could beat me down and make me quit, and no one on this earth could tell me, “you can’t do that” and convince me that was true.  I was wholly and fiercely dedicated to raising my children and providing everything they needed, no matter what the sacrifice was for me.  Most importantly I did it by myself.  There was no family support, no circle of friends to help me, the responsibility rested on my shoulders and honey, Atlas had nothing on me.

Now my children are grown and self sufficient.  The only one I have to take care of is me.  The only one I have to provide for is me.  I have the freedom to take my life in any direction I want to.  I have met my commitment as a mother, raised my children with love and positive nurturing, and both of them have told me it’s my time and to do the things I want, the things I sacrificed along the way.

For some completely unknown reason to me, the role of single mother was first nature and I had no fear and no hesitation to fulfill it.  The role of independent woman with a wide open life path ahead of me is foreign and absolutely terrifying.  I have never sensed such a deep feeling of fear to take the first step and conquer my world. I guess when it comes to finally doing for me after over five decades of being a caretaker I’m at a loss of how to forge ahead.  Maybe implanting the knowledge that I’ve gone beyond wanting it to really needing it is what it will take to overcome the fear and hesitation.

My foot is hovering over that first step and I need to put it down to stand my ground.

That is all.