The “Buck Stops Here…”

I’ve been reading considerably more since I’ve completed school.  Of course the first three books were mindless entertainment because the last thing I wanted to invest in so soon after “required” reading was anything too heavy.  Now, I will make the admission that I really don’t like self help books since I feel the only person that can really help me is myself.  I never understood the draw to books telling you how to fix yourself.

The book I’m reading now seems to fall into that category to some degree, but I’m not sure if I would agree with that.  It’s actually like a hybrid between The Alchemist and The Secret.  The book, The Traveler’s Gift has already made me think about things going on in my life.  I’m a thinker, and ironically several of my friends in the past have joked that I was born out of my time as I should have been a philosopher back in the day.  Thinking has often been my undoing as I don’t ever follow what pops into my head first.  I think of a million ways to think it through, but I will say that when I finally make a decision it’s set in stone.  Problem is, the decisions I make are very much based on my past.  There is a level of fear that things will repeat themselves.  Duh.  Think in the past, focus on the past, make decisions based on the past and voila, the present and the future become remnants of the past.  Makes sense.  I guess I’m better at having logic spoon fed through a storyline that is interesting and enveloping.

The second issue that prevents me from making the right future decisions is the owning up to mistakes part.  Yep, I can be adult enough and comfortable enough in my skin to admit that I find it very hard to accept responsibility for my past.  I can admit that the more horrible things that have happened were out of my control, but when I had a chance to rectify it, and I did, I carried it like a steamer trunk into the future. Those horrific things became the foundation of my decision making process.  Sadly, it was all steeped in FEAR, a self-imposed road block to happiness and success.

I started a journal today, more like a laundry list.  Each sentence begins with, “I chose to…”  I’m five pages into it.  As I write these things down, it is amazing how much of what is going on in my personal universe today reverberates in those past decisions.  I’ve got the second journal standing by where each sentence begins with, “I choose to…”  The first and second statements are, “I choose to accept responsibility for my past” and “I choose to change my present and future.”   Kind of liberating actually.

That is all.