Gratitude – I uttered three words

GratitudeI know there will be serious haters once I post this blog, however, I’m going to do it anyway, as most of my readers know I don’t shy away from controversy.

In January of 2007 I renounced my religion. I stopped believing there was a power on high, a benevolent being, someone watching over me. I grew up in a Christian household, church on Sunday, Bible Study on Saturday, Church related organizations for children, and on and on.  I began to question how there could be a God in this effed up world filled with hate, death, and destruction.

I’ve wandered through a darkness since I walked away from this organized religion I could not longer embrace.

The past four months have been a living hell. I’ve lived through my darkest days in that time. I have felt despondent, alone, and filled with fear. I harbored thoughts that scared me at times and clung desperately to hanging on because of the love I feel for my children.

I have had a friend stand by me through all of this, a friend that did not judge me, condemn me, or abandon me. Thank you Stacy for being my strength.

On Christmas Eve, I hit rock bottom for the second time in four months. I went to church to hear Stacy sing and felt such a sudden sense of peace in this gathering. I uttered three words, “God, help me.”

I have come to understand something profound, at least in my world. Whatever we may deem God to be, the purpose behind having a belief is fundamentally important in being emotionally healthy. Believing in something bigger than the self gives us perspective on who we are and what our purpose is. Once we take ourselves (ego) out of the life equation in a way that inspires us to create a positive change in humanity, we find a sense of Godliness. Using this life to help people has to be some grand design that goes beyond human mortality. I still don’t think organized religion is the only way to believe in a god, but I do believe the sense of community and compassion that one gets from it is needed on some level.

I have reconnected with what I define as God and it is wholly and solely mine. I have a renewed drive to follow the path I set for myself 15 years ago. I want nothing more than to make a difference. I’m ready to pay it forward.

That is all.

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