A Poet's Life

Mona Bethke

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Altered State

It’s been quite some time since I have posted on my blog.

Much has occurred and many life changes have taken place. I embrace all of them, the good and bad, for they are what make this journey called life the transitional experience it is meant to be.

I have done much reflecting in the past couple of weeks and that is generally not good for my emotional well-being. Something has changed this time. I welcomed the thought processes taking place and worked through them one at a time. The outcome has not always been what I necessarily wanted or thought I needed, nonetheless, I accepted them all.

My road has been a hard one to travel, however, I have persevered and stayed dedicated to my personal beliefs, morals, and ethics. I have maintained my integrity and truth.

I have often been inundated with things from my “past” and blamed them for my present. I have tried to maintain unhealthy relationships on all levels. Through time I’ve stopped believing, striving, dreaming, and living life in the moment. I have taken on the hardships, burdens and traumas of people I love with the intention of being faithful to my commitments. I have spent more time sad and afraid than I have in any other state of mind. I have negated my accomplishments and doubted my talents. I have lost my faith and struggled to fight my way out of darkness. I have fought so hard to be a survivor, that I stayed in the mindset of a victim. I have wanted to trust despite it having caused me much pain through the years. I have hoped for love being an agenda-less and peaceful respite to the difficulties of life. I have wanted so desperately to believe I’m not broken.

In the past 24 hours I realized something.

I woke up again this morning.
The past is my gauge to how far I’ve come in the present.
The most important relationship in my life is with myself and it is working on being healthy.
I believe, will strive, unwrapped my dreams and am living for today.
I cannot carry the weight of another for I am working to lighten my own.
There is no reason to be sad, I’m here. There is no reason to be afraid, I’m blessed.
What I have accomplished has changed and saved lives and that cannot be negated.
I am seeking my spiritual solace on my own terms and darkness is but a time of day.
I do not need to define myself as a survivor for my presence here today speaks for itself.
Trust is relative. As long as I trust myself I can maintain grounding.
Love has many facets like an uncut diamond, each unique in its purpose.
I am not broken for the peace I seek has always been within me; I just never chose to embrace it.

In the past 56 years I have been tested and I continue to strive and thrive. I have never truly walked this path alone, there has always been a force stronger than me, imbuing me with the understanding that when I get out of my own way and let my life evolve the way it’s supposed to, all will be right with MY world.

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