My finger hovered over the mouse, ready to send a life altering email. Click. The most satisfying rush of relief swept over me. I had just sent my final term paper for my final class in my Graduate studies program. It was literally the midnight hour.
I sat there in a stunned silence for a few minutes and then had the overwhelming need to be in water. Those that know me intimately understand this symbolism. I started the shower, peeled off my clothes feeling the stupid grin on my face as I stepped under the stream of hot water. It felt heavenly! I leaned agains the cool wall, put my face in my hands and began to sob. That’s right I cried like a baby. Such a sense of gratitude rushed through me. It was like some near death experience as the visions of the past 21 years rushed through my mind and disappeared as quickly as they manifested themselves. A few times I got stuck on this memories of sitting by a window crying and asking God, why?
The journey has been long and hard, but it has been a journey I wouldn’t trade for any amount of wealth or fame. I died and was resurrected so many times that it soon became apparent to me I had a purpose to fulfill beyond my dedication to motherhood.
Though I lost my religion along the way I did gain a belief that we are all empowered by the desire to do good and live a life that affects others and creates change in the hearts and minds of the wounded and suffering. I often laughed at the concept of self love and envisioned it as a banal solution for self loathing. Despite anything life may throw our way, we are all miracles in some cosmic, fantabulous way that we will likely never comprehend.
I crawled into bed, pulled myself into a fetal position and realized another rebirth is taking place.
That is all.